Last night, right before we turned on episode 20 (Simple Explanation), I was talking about how Kutner was my favorite character (for various reasons, one of which was his reference to Harry Potter a few episodes previous, confirming his status as a lovable, clever dork. Just my type. I’m not going to lie, I had a little crush on him.) I think the coincedence of timing is probably half the reason I was so affected by what I saw next.

No other character in the show saw the suicide coming, and how could they? The absolute last thing I expected to be watching was Kutner in a pool of his own blood 5 minutes after I was singing his praises. And it REALLY shook me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. (I’ve had a lot of time to. All I did today was paint the windows.) I even had some weird dreams about it.

I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s affected me much more than I’d ever expect the death of a fictional character to. I mean, yes, I cry when I read pretty much every Harry Potter book from 4 on. Every time. But that’s about an 8 year personal connection to an epic story that I read during a great period of change in my life. I really like House. It’s a great show. Probably my favorite. But I never thought I’d freak out about it like this. And for a character I’ve only known for about a year that hasn’t been nearly as big a part of my life as Harry Potter has.

Maybe it’s the unexpectedness of it. Maybe I’m freaked out that someone I know could easily be suffering without anyone’s knowledge and I don’t want to think they would be capable of such a thing without any prior indication. Maybe it’s that Kutner reminds me of someone I used to know. Maybe it’s just because I liked the guy.

There hasn’t been a lot of death in my life. My grandfather died, but it wasn’t completely unexpected. I miss him, and I wonder what it would be like if he was still around. I wish he could have seen me graduate from college. But he had been having problems for a long time, so it was sad, but it wasn’t really a shock. My dog died last year, and I’m still upset about that, but he was also old for a dog and had the problems that come along with that, so I had been dreading that phone call from my parents silently, in the back of my mind, for a long time. More than anything, I was upset that I wasn’t around to say goodbye.

I’ve been lucky to go over 25 years without any sudden, unexpected loss in my life, and maybe that’s why I’m so shaken. I haven’t been completely unprepared for something like this, and I think last night I got a taste of what it would be like if I was. And it’s scary.